| So its been a few days since i updated, mainly cuz ive been so busy with the kids. And by kids i mean my little brother and sister. All i do all day is babysit them and im getting really sick of it. Yesterday was the first time i went out in weeks and my mom had a fit about it cuz apparantly she has to go to her boyfriends house every saturday night. Somehow our roles have switched. She works mon-fri 12-4 and then goes out every night. i babysit those kids from the time they get home until they go to sleep. i do homework with them, make dinner for them, make sure they shower, put them to bed. When did i become their mother? Im 19 years old. Shes 43. I should be the one going out and having fun. Ever since she started talking about the divorce, shes changed. She used to be a typical mom. She didnt work, stayed at home, cooked, cleaned, spent time with her children. Now shes going thru some sort of midlife crisis. Shes lost so much weight [now she wears juniors clothes]. She needs to get her nails and hair done all the time. She texts people all day long. Listens to our generations music. This may not sound like a big deal to you guys, but my mom was never like this. She used to make fun of my music. She hated the fact that i texted all the time. Hated the clothes i wore. Now all of a sudden its like shes tryna be young again. She confides in me all the time that she wishes she could run away cuz she doesnt want to be a mom anymore. WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO YOUR OLDEST DAUGHTER? doesnt she realizes how that makes me feel? so now, im stuck staying at home, cooking, cleaning, spending time with her kids cuz if i dont, nobody will. ive tried talking to her about it, but she says after all these years with my stepdad being an asshole, she deserves a break. and then i feel bad cuz i know how my stepdad was.
shes going back to school in january. she never went to college when she was younger, but now she feels like she needs a better job to support us, which is a good thing. so she applied to brookdale. im supposed to be going back in january. but now shes asking me if i could put off my college education so that she could go. she wants me to stay home and watch her kids. when i tried talking to her about it, she said that i screwed up last year so i dont really deserve to go back. and this is her only chance to make things better. helloo obv she screwed up too. she didnt go when she had the chance, chose to be with my alcoholic father. and yes i did screw up last year. i was very confused, only cared about self medicating myself. but now im clean. im a better person. and im still at the point in my life where it makes sense to go back to school.
but it doesnt matter anyway cuz i might not even be going back. my stepmom said she would pay for me to take 4 classes but not for my books or supplies. me and my mom are broke. i cant get a job cuz i have to play mother to my bro and sis. my mom is working at jc pennys just to make rent and even thats a struggle. so i emailed my stepdad asking him for a couple hundred bucks with the promise to pay him back when i can. most likely, hes going to say no. and when he does, ill ask my grandparents. but idk if they even have money to give to me, cuz theyve been giving my mom so much money. maybe if she would stop going on shopping sprees and start saving up money, we wouldnt have this problem.
for those of you who dont know, my mom and stepdad arent even divorced yet. its still going thru court and whatnot. but my stepdad has his own house now, with a new girlfriend who lives with him. and my mom has her boyfriend. neither one of them seems to care very much about their kids. im tryn to hold my brothers and sister together. my real dad is mad at me too so i cant ask him for help.
i just want a normal life. i want to go out and have fun and be 19. its sad, cuz even when im out, all i think about now is if my brother and sister are okay. i love them more than anything in the world. i would do anything for those kids. but im just a kid too. and i want my mom back. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| Current Music: | Lets Get Fucked Up And Die -- Motion City Soundtrack | | Security: | | | Subject: | Why Do Guys Lie So Much?? | | Time: | 11:00 pm | | Current Mood: |  pessimistic |
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| So Amanda was just here and shes sooo great!! It was the first time i met here and it was a little akward at first. You know, the usual akward silences but after a short while we got comfortable and started talking alot. Mostly about boys [and that certain girl we both hate!] and we realized that most of the guys surrounding us are liars. Why do they do that?
Since we are somehow connected to alot of the same guys, it was easy for us to see thru their lies. How stupid can they be? They werent even lying about important stuff. Just stupid things that make no sense to lie about. I just dont understand it. Guys lie about important stuff to cover there own asses. They dont want to get in trouble. And we may not figure it out right away, but eventually we realize and we are going to get mad. Its inevitable. Then they lie about stupid shit. And we're still going to get mad. Idiots. If they would just come out and tell us the truth, we probably wouldnt get as angry.
Once you see how much they lie, how are you supposed to trust them again? They lie so much, and then when we confront them, they make up excuses like "i didnt want you to get mad at me." So the next time the situation comes up, obviously youre going to think theyr lying. Then they get mad and say we need to trust them if they are going to be our friends/boyfriends. They like to give us a guilt trip about it.
I promise i will not lie to anyone. The world is disapointing me and i think most of it is because everyone lies. Its not only guys. Girls lie too. Everyone around me is full of shit. I live in a world where people lie, to cover up lies, to cover up lies.
I am sick of all the fuckin lies. I dont care if they are big, little, important or stupid. I just want the truth. I DO NOT CARE IF THE TRUTH WILL HURT. i would rather cry over the truth then smile over a lie. I just want it to stop.
Im not gunna come right out and tell you what i think but if you ask me about it, im going to give you an honest answer. If you dont want the truth, then dont ask me.
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| Current Music: | The Best Of You -- Foo Fighters | | Security: | | | Subject: | Disapointments | | Time: | 03:53 pm | | Current Mood: | disappointed |
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| Why does it seem like everyone in my life is disapointing me lately? I feel like i do anything i can to make the people i care about most happy. But every single one of those people care more about themselves. Sure they care about me, but more about themselves. Am i the only one who is not selfish? Or maybe i am? Does this make me selfish? Does wanting my friends, family, loves to care about me more than themselves for once make me selfish?
Anytime someone needs me, im there for them. There have been instances when i barely knew someone, and yet i pushed my own plans, feelings, problems aside to help them. Everyone who knows me knows that im the person to go to when u need a shoulder to cry on, or need advice, or just need someone to talk to. They all say that im one of the nicest, most unselfish people theyve ever met. So why cant one of those people do the same for me?
Do I have such high standards for people that i cant seem to realize that not everyone is like me? I expect people to care about everyone else and try to help others in need. I want people to stop worrying about their petty little lives and help someone else for a change. Its not that i dont think they have real problems. I understand that they do. But i have problems and im always there for people.
Of course there are little disapointments like breaking plans, not calling me back, lying to cover your own ass. And of course sometimes i do these things too. But what about the bigger disapointments? Like lying about important stuff. Like cheating. Like intentionally hurting people you care about. Why do the people i care about most do these things to me?
I just read over what ive written and it looks like im making myself out to be some kind of saint. I know im not. I have faults. Im not perfect. Ive caused disapointments. Especially when i was on drugs. I became a pathological liar. I knew I was hurting others and i didnt care. But now that ive gotten help, im tryna do my best. Why cant my friends, family, lovers do the same? Most of them havent gone thru what i have, yet theyr still selfish. And im not using drugs as an excuse. I know that i shouldnt have smoked, popped pills, drank. I knew what kind of person i became when i did those things. But I didnt care. Until i got help. These other people, theyve been this way their entire lives.
I just want people to be nice. I look for the good in people in every kind of situation. Some say thats my biggest problem. That i have too much faith in mankind. But when has that ever been a bad thing? It kills me when my best friend, boyrfriend, and mom all say the same thing. That i need to stop being so nice to everyone and worry about myself sometimes. They tell me to be selfish. They want me to change the one thing i actually really like about myself. But if theyre all telling me the same things, then who is wrong? Are they wrong for being selfish? Or am i wrong for not looking out for myself? | | comments: Leave a comment |
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